The Truth About Who Link Loves
by Dekustar the Mad Author
Summary: I have no idea how many of these fics there are, but oh well. Title says it all. The answer is up!
1. WHO DOES LINK LOVE????

Have you ever wondered who Link loves? Zelda, Malon, Saria, Ruto, Nabooru, Impa…the possibilities are endless, and I for one have decided IT MUST END!!!! This will be the FINAL ANSWER!!!!! No if's, and's, or but's. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE TRUTH OF WHO LINK LOVES!!!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I live in a cardboard box. All I own is the computer I built out of non recyclable cans. Got it?  
  
THE ONE LINK LOVES  
  
Setting: Link has decided to throw a party for some odd unknown reason. All his friends were there, and since all his friends were girls, obviously he was the only guy there. Everything was going smoothly, but then Zelda and Malon started arguing.  
  
Zelda: Of course Link loves me!! I'm the princess of Hyrule, and he helped me to SAVE Hyrule!  
  
Malon: So? He saved my ranch! AND my dad! AND he has the horse I gave him! OF COURSE he loves me!!  
  
Link: Huh? Who says I love either of you?  
  
Saria: That's right! I mean, it's OBVIOUS he loves ME!!  
  
Malon: Yeah, right!  
  
Zelda: Dream on!  
  
Saria: Fine! Tell them, Link!  
  
Link: Actually, Saria…  
  
Nabooru: He loves ME! Don't you, Linky-poo?  
  
Link: Er…  
  
Ruto: Dream on, desert girl! This is RIDICULOUS!! Link's engaged to ME, remember?  
  
Link: Ruto, that never happened…  
  
Impa: Calm down, everyone!  
  
Link: Thanks, Impa…  
  
Impa: I mean, it's obvious Link loves me!  
  
Link: O.O  
  
All out fighting breaks loose. Zelda pulling Malon's hair, Ruto punching Saria, Nabooru has Impa in a headlock, etc.  
  
Strange voice from goddesses knows where: SHUT UP!!!!!  
  
Everyone shuts up  
  
s.v.f.g.k.w.: You are ALL acting ridiculous! *Dekustar appears in a cloud of mauve smoke*  
  
Link: Why mauve?  
  
Dekustar: All the other colors were taken. Anyway, there is only one way to settle this! We shall have a contest to see who Link loves more!  
  
Link: Can't I just say who-  
  
Dekustar: No, this is more fun, and besides the fic needs to be longer.  
  
Link: O.O  
  
Dekustar: Anyway, we shall have a contest of 5 events! Agreed?  
  
Everyone: Yeah…  
  
Ruto: Then you'll see that Link loves ME more!  
  
Dekustar: Shut up, sushi girl.  
  
Ruto: Hey!  
  
Malon: *sniggers*  
  
Dekustar: You too, red neck.  
  
Malon: Red neck?!?!?  
  
Dekustar: LET THE CONTEST BEGIN!!!!!!!! 


	2. competition #1-Horse back riding!

Wow! People really like this! I got 14 reviews for just ONE CHAPTER!!!! I think that's a record for me! Well, can't argue with the demands of the public, so here's the next chapter of….  
  
WHO LINK REALLY LOVES  
  
Disclaimer: Do I have to tell you the story about the cardboard box and the computer I built out of non recyclable cans again?  
  
Dekustar: All right, this is how the contest will work. Link and I will be the judges, and each of you will be the participants. Erm…that's it. Now, on to the first challenge!!! ::uses super magical author powers to make them all automatically at Lon Lon Ranch::  
  
Ruto: How did you do that?  
  
Dekustar: I have super magical author powers.  
  
Malon (under her breath): it's kind of obvious…  
  
Dekustar: The first event is Horse back Riding.  
  
Malon, Nabooru, and Impa: YES!!!!!!  
  
Saria: What's a horse?  
  
Dekustar: It's what your going to be riding, now be quiet while I explain the rules.  
  
Saria: Okay.  
  
Dekustar: Didn't I just tell you to be quiet?  
  
Saria: You said to be quiet while you were explaining the rules, and you aren't so technically I can still speak.  
  
Dekustar:…………………good point. Well, obviously, you want to be the first one in the race, and you basically have to do 3 laps around the corral. The girl in first place gets 6 points, the girl in second gets 5 points, and so on. Any questions?  
  
Nabooru: Yeah, why aren't you participating? Don't you have a crush on Link?  
  
Dekustar: Any one else have a question?  
  
Weird voice from author's land I guess: I do!!  
  
Dekustar: Oh, hi Sage of Dreams!  
  
Sage of Dreams: I have a question, have you seen Sheik around?  
  
Dekustar: No, but wanna stick around and see if he shows up? You can be one of the judges.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Okay.  
  
Dekustar: All right, everyone in starting positions!  
  
Everyone gets on a horse and at the beginning of the track  
  
Dekustar: Ruto, your facing the wrong way.  
  
Ruto: I knew that.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Suuuuure ya did.  
  
Link: Dekustar, can't I just say who I like and not go through with this?  
  
Everyone else: NO!!!!!  
  
Link: Phooey.  
  
Dekustar: On your mark, get set, GO!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone starts, Ruto immediately falls off. Saria tips over and ends up riding upside down her horse, Nabooru starts using her bow and arrows to knock everyone off their horses until Malon kicks her and breaks the bow. Impa pushes Zelda off her horse, who starts running the normal way. Because I'm too lazy to recount the whole thing, Malon comes in first, then Nabooru, the Zelda, Impa, Saria, and Ruto.  
  
Dekustar: Should we make any of that illegal?  
  
Sage of Dreams: Nah.  
  
Dekustar: All right, here are the standings:  
  
Malon: 6 points  
  
Nabooru: 5 points  
  
Zelda: 4 points  
  
Impa: 3 points  
  
Saria: 2 points  
  
Ruto: 1 point  
  
any questions?  
  
Link: Yeah, why are you insisting on doing this?  
  
Dekustar: It's the favorite sport of authors to make you suffer.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Besides, it's fun!  
  
Link: whimper…  
  
  
  
A/N, I know that's kinda short, but TOUGH POTATOES!!!!! Please r+r with suggestions for the next competition! 


	3. competition #2-Archery!

Sorry it took me so long to update this, but……uh, fill in the blank why I didn't. Btw, Sage of Dreams, I'm gonna keep your old name cuz it's easier that way ok? Anyway….on with the fic!  
  
Disclaimer: When I actually am sane is when I'll own Zelda. Sometime around the next NEVER I expect.  
  
And-a now, the next chapter of…  
  
THE TRUTH ABOUT WHO LINK LOVES  
  
The standings point-wise is so far…  
  
Malon: 6 points  
  
Nabooru: 5 points  
  
Zelda: 4 points  
  
Impa: 3 points  
  
Saria: 2 points  
  
Ruto: 1 point  
  
  
  
Dekustar: Allrighty then, the next competition will be…SWIMMING WHILE CARRYING A DEAD MONKEY ON YOUR BACK!!!!!  
  
Everyone: WHAT?????  
  
Sage of Dreams: Uh…I don't think she's had her medication today… ::gives Dekustar a pill::  
  
Dekustar: Yummy! ::eats it and suddenly turns normal:: All right, where were we?  
  
Zelda: You were just about to announce the next event.  
  
Dekustar: Oh yeah…  
  
Link: Will it do any good if I once again ask why I can't just say who I really like?  
  
Sage of Dreams and Dekustar: Nope.  
  
Link: Didn't think so.  
  
Dekustar: Right. The next event is…ARCHERY!!!!  
  
Nabooru: WOO HOO!!!!  
  
Sage of Dreams: We're going to have a moving target. Whoever gets the most arrows out of 15 in wins. You get as many points as arrows you get in. Any questions?  
  
Saria: What's the target?  
  
Dekustar: Uh…  
  
Sage of Dreams: Link is.  
  
Link: WHAT?????  
  
Dekustar: No, remember Sage, we need him alive to torture…  
  
Sage of Dreams: Oh yeah…  
  
Link: Whimper…  
  
Dekustar: The target will be…that big plastic penguin.  
  
Nabooru: Uh, it's not moving…  
  
Dekustar: We'll throw it!  
  
Sage of Dreams: We will?  
  
Dekustar: Of COURSE we will! Let the contest BEGIN!!!  
  
Malon, Zelda, Impa, Nabooru, Saria, and Ruto line up with bows and arrows, and Dekustar and Sage of Dreams throw the penguin back and forth. Ruto goes first.  
  
Ruto: Is this right?  
  
Link: Ruto, the arrow is pointed towards you…  
  
Ruto: Yeah, but is it right?  
  
Link: ………………….You'd better not win.  
  
To make things short since I'm really really lazy, this is how it came out…  
  
Ruto: 2/15 (pure luck)  
  
Saria: 6/15  
  
Nabooru: 12/15  
  
Impa: 10/15  
  
Zelda: 13/15  
  
Malon: 12/15  
  
Dekustar: Allrighty then, the order is…Zelda and Malon tied at first with 18, Nabooru in second with 17, Impa in third with 13, Saria in fourth with 8, and Ruto in dead last with 3 (big surprise.)  
  
Sage of Dreams: Now go away while we think of new ideas.  
  
Everyone but Dekustar and Sage of Dreams: All right.  
  
Dekustar: Oh no you don't-Link, get back here.  
  
Link: Phooey.  
  
  
  
What did ya think? I'll still need ideas! Please review! 


	4. competition #3-Fishing!

If u complain about late fics, I'll……………….stop writing them! so there!  
  
Disclaimer: yep. I own Zelda. Why don't you go ask the flying pig for some candy?  
  
And now for the third competition of…THE TRUTH ABOUT WHO LINK LOVES!!!!  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Dekustar: Okay everybody, we have the third competition out of five! It's almost over!  
  
Link: Hallelujah.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Quiet torture victim.  
  
Link: Are all authors this mean?  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: Yep.  
  
Zelda: Where did you come from??  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: Sage of Dreams and Dekustar invited me to be a judge.  
  
Link: WHY ME?????  
  
Dekustar: You have your own game.  
  
Link: AND????  
  
Dekustar: ………………quiet, torture victim.  
  
Sage of Dreams: ANYway, the next competition is fishing.  
  
Ruto: COOL!!  
  
Saria: Um, Ruto, you ARE a fish…  
  
Ruto: No, I'm a deformed fish freak!  
  
Everyone but Ruto: O.o  
  
Dekustar: Let's go to Lake Hylia!  
  
Everyone is at Lake Hylia  
  
Ruto: How did we do that?  
  
Dekustar: Are you a fish, or retarded?  
  
Ruto: Yes.  
  
Sage of Dreams: ………..okay, you have 10 minutes, catch as many fish as you can.  
  
Ruto jumps in and starts chasing fish, but as soon as she catches them she lets them go. Saria accidentally falls in the water, Malon tries to pull her out, but Impa pushes her in. Zelda laughs so hard that she falls in too. Nabooru gets confused and thinks that falling in is part of the competition, and jumps in. All in all, Impa is the only one on dry land by the time the 10 minutes are up.  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: Uh…did anyone catch a fish?  
  
Malon: I think one is stuck in my shirt…does that count?  
  
Dekustar: Why not.  
  
Zelda (grabs Ruto): I caught one!  
  
Sage of Dreams: Does that count?  
  
Link: Should I care?  
  
Dekustar (hits Link): Of course it does. Ruto's a fish.  
  
Ruto: ah-HEM.  
  
Dekustar: Excuse me, a deformed fish freak.  
  
Ruto: Thank you.  
  
Dekustar: Any time.  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: Okay, so here are the standings:  
  
Malon: 19  
  
Zelda: 19  
  
Nabooru: 17  
  
Impa: 13  
  
Saria: 8  
  
Ruto: for some reason, 3.  
  
Any questions?  
  
Ruto: What's the next competition?  
  
Sage of Dreams, Dekustar, and Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: Uhhhh……… 


	5. competition #4-Dancing!

Hello! Am back! Got more stuff! Speaking! In! Fragments! Too! I guess!  
  
Disclaimer: I can't think of anything funny to say! Gah! What's wrong with me!  
  
And now, for the Fourth competition of…  
  
WHO LINK REALLY LOVES  
  
Dekustar: Okay, I think we got it figured out.  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: We do?  
  
Sage of Dreams: Sure, why not?  
  
Ruto: Should we know what you're talking about?  
  
Link: Probably not.  
  
Malon: What's the new competition?  
  
Dekustar: Dancing!  
  
No one says woo hoo or cool  
  
Impa: I only know how to dance one way…  
  
Sage of Dreams: I'm not gonna ask what way.  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: Well anyway, that's the next competition. The girl in first place gets 6 points, so on, and so forth.  
  
Everyone: Okay.  
  
Dekustar: Okay, Zelda, you go first.  
  
Zelda: Why?  
  
Sage of Dreams: You're the oldest.  
  
Zelda: No I'm not! That's Impa!  
  
Sage of Dreams: Oh yeah. Then Impa, you go first.  
  
Impa: Uh oh…  
  
Dekustar: On your mark, get set, go!  
  
Impa starts pole dancing  
  
Dekustar: EW!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: MAKE IT STOP!!  
  
Link: STOP IMPA STOP RIGHT NOW!!!!  
  
Impa: I told you I only knew how to dance one way. You see, I started one night a couple decades back…  
  
Sage of Dreams: WE DO NOT NEED TO KNOW!!!!!!!  
  
Impa: Hmph.  
  
Dekustar: Is anyone else pole dancing?  
  
No one says anything  
  
Dekustar: Thank god.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Ugh…Zelda, you're next.  
  
Zelda starts tangoing…all by herself…  
  
Judges: Uh…  
  
Zelda gets a rose from somewhere…  
  
Judges: Uh…  
  
Zelda: I'm done!  
  
Dekustar: Okay…  
  
Sage of Dreams: Whatever…  
  
To cut things short because I'm really really really lazy, which you probably knew already, Malon does the macarena, Nabooru break dances, Ruto does the disco, and Saria falls down before anyone knows what she was going to do.  
  
Dekustar: Link, I'm beginning to see why you want to just tell everyone who you really love.  
  
Link: So I can?!?!?!?!?  
  
Dekustar: No. Sage of Dreams, will you do the honors?  
  
Sage of Dreams: Certainly. Saria, you came in first. You got 6 points.  
  
Ruto, Nabooru, Malon, Zelda, and Impa: WHAT????  
  
Sage of Dreams: She was the only one who didn't poison our eyes with your dancing.  
  
Ruto, Nabooru, Malon, Zelda, and Impa: Oh.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Zelda, you and Malon tied in second. You each get 5 points.  
  
Malon and Zelda: Okay.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Nabooru, you came in third. You get 4 points.  
  
Nabooru: Okay.  
  
Sage of Dreams: Ruto, you came in fourth, you get 3 points.  
  
Ruto: After all that fine dancin'?  
  
Sage of Dreams: ……………………..Impa, you came in last, and you get zip.  
  
Impa: Shouldn't I get at least 1 point?  
  
Dekustar, Sage of Dreams, Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium, and Link: NO!!!!!!!!  
  
Impa: Hmph.  
  
Dekustar: Okay, the standings are now…  
  
Malon and Zelda: 26 points  
  
Nabooru: 21 points  
  
Saria: 14 points  
  
Impa: 13 points  
  
Ruto: 6 points  
  
Saria: Woo hoo! I went up one place!  
  
Ruto: So did I!  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: No, Ruto, you're still in dead last.  
  
Ruto: Aww…  
  
Dekustar: Now go away, all of you, while the judges come up with more ideas for the torture session, I mean competition. 


	6. competition #5-Yes, you heard right, KIS...

OH MY GOD!!! IT'S THE LAST COMPETITION!!! But you know, this was a lot of fun, and everyone had a lot of good ideas, so if you peeps want me to, I'll start a permanent version of this. You know, competitions, weird prizes, that sorta thing. Let me know when you review! HINT HINT  
  
Disclaimer: Go ask those confounded flying pigs.  
  
And-a now, the LAST competition of…  
  
WHO LINK REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVES!!  
  
Link: When do I get to say it?  
  
Dekustar: NEVER!! BWA HA HA!!!  
  
Sage of Dreams: Actually, at the end of the competition.  
  
Link: Oh, good, this is the last competition. By the way, what is the competition, and why did you steal all my suicide pills?  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium:…………..Let's go tell everybody the last competition!  
  
Suddenly, everyone is there, because for some reason Dekustar is insane and didn't have them there in the first place.  
  
Dekustar: Hey!  
  
Link: Wasn't the argument with the narrator in your OTHER fic?  
  
Dekustar: Oh yeah…  
  
Zelda: So what's the last competition?  
  
Malon(rubs hands together): Is it boxing??  
  
Dekustar: Ha ha ha, no. It's….  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: KISSING!!!!  
  
All the competitors: YAY!!!!  
  
Link: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Malon: Would we have to kiss all of you guys?  
  
Dekustar: No, just Link.  
  
Ruto: YES!  
  
Link: Now I understand why you stole my suicide pills…  
  
Dekustar: Okay, Link will be the sole judge, and by the kisses he will choose who he really loves, making all the other competitions totally useless!  
  
Crickets start chirping  
  
Link: Can't I kill myself now?  
  
Dekustar, Sage of Dreams, and Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: NO!  
  
Link: Aw, crap.  
  
Dekustar: Let the competition BEGIN!!!!!  
  
As usual, the whole thing is going to be put into a little paragraph because I'm lazy. How can I argue with the narrator if I am the narrator? That's weird. Anyway, Link does pretty much okay through Zelda, Malon, Saria, and Nabooru, but Ruto is next, and he freaks out and tries to run away until Ruto pulls him back by the hair and the two have to be pried apart with crowbars. Link tries to kill, I mean kiss Impa, but finally is allowed to stop from bad images of pole dancing.  
  
Dekustar: Okay Link, what is your final answer?  
  
Link: I love…  
  
  
  
BWA HA HA!!!!!!!!! CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!! NOW YOU GOTTA WAIT CUZ I'M EVIL!!!!!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *cough hack cough* HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	7. THE ANSWER! BUM BUM BUM!

Well, I guess that people didn't like the last story cuz I left a little cliffhanger, but you know what, all you flamers? When have I EVER left you in the dark from a major cliffhanger? And the dude who said they wouldn't be able to sleep at night cuz of the cliffhanger…I'm touched, you love my story enough to be actually obsessed with it! But you must really need some sleep now…Anyway, here's the ANSWER, so hold on to your aunt's pantyhose, this is gonna be good!  
  
Link: I love…ZELDA!  
  
Zelda: WOO HOO! I TOLD YA, RED NECK!  
  
Malon: ::cries::  
  
Link: Kiss me, Zellie!  
  
Zelda + Link: SMOOOOOOOOOCH  
  
Dekustar, Sage of Dreams, and Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: Awwww!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Gotcha! Link+Zelda=EWWWWWWW  
  
Mebbe that wasn't the real ending, but here IS the real one!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link: I love…Impa!  
  
Everyone but Link and Impa: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Nope, I lied again. Have you caught on that I'm going to do this for a while? Or maybe not, maybe THIS is the real ending…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link: I love…Ru-  
  
The world blows up.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Did you really think the fish-freak would win? Puh-leaze.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link: I love…Nabooru!  
  
Nabooru: YES!  
  
Malon and Zelda: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Saria: Phooey…I lost to a stupid desert hussy slut…  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Saria: What? I know bad words! Just cuz I look 10, I'm really 73!  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Tempting, but no. Am I being too evil by torturing you all like this? Well, the only two left are Saria and Malon…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link: I love…Saria!  
  
Saria: I love you too Link!  
  
Dekustar: Major age difference…ewww, bad images!  
  
Saria: I told you, I'm 73!  
  
Dekustar: Saria, the different endings aren't supposed to have existed…  
  
Saria: ……….does this one exist?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
That must mean…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link: I love…Malon!  
  
Malon: HA! ZELDA, YOU LOSE! LOOOOOSER! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSER!  
  
Zelda: Red neck…  
  
Malon: Hey! Monkey butt!  
  
Link: Actually, now I think I'm going to be a confirmed bachelor…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Wait a minute, that one wasn't real either…so it's time for the VERY real ending! No lying this time, I swear!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Link: I love…Dekustar!  
  
Dekustar: My man!  
  
SmOoOoOcH  
  
Sage of Dreams: I wish Sheik was here…  
  
Sheik: I am here!  
  
Sage of Dreams: YAY!  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: I wish I knew something about sea borgium…  
  
Some random guy: I can tell you all about sea borgium! *whisper whisper whisper*  
  
Theguywhoknowsnothingaboutseaborgium: Wow! Really?  
  
And basically, everyone lives happily ever after.  
  
  
  
A perfect ending, doncha think? Well, if you don't like the real ending, fine. Choose one of the NOT real endings. I don't particularly care, but I CAN tell you that was what really happened! Really! I'm not insane! ::guys in white coats take her away:: Oh, phooey…  
  
Btw, when I've finished at least ONE of my fics, I'll make a permanent version of this. Please r+r! 


End file.
